John Kerry's acceptance speech - NOT

Michelle Malkin has a 'Memo to John Kerry: Move on' at Memo to John Kerry: Move On that inspired me to pull out a speech I wrote for John Kerry. Don't know why he didn't use it.

(Pause for audience applause and cheering, look humble and regal.)
I’m sorry that we got here a little bit late and little bit short. I spoke to President Bush and I offered him and Laura our congratulations on their victory.

We had a good conversation, and we talked about the danger of division in our country and the need — the desperate need for unity, for finding the common ground, coming together. Today I hope that we can begin the healing.

But is now clear that even when all the provisional ballots are counted, which they will be, there won’t be enough outstanding votes for us to be able to win Ohio. And therefore we cannot win this election.

As I said earlier, the country needs to unite and come together, so in this spirit, let me say a few words.

First, I might have exaggerated a little bit when I said President Bush lied about WMDs in Iraq. We all know that Saddam had WMDs and that it was Saddam’s responsibility to prove that he had destroyed them. Saddam failed to provide that proof as required by numerous UN resolutions. Saddam was also threatening, even up to the start of military conflict, to use WMDs on our troops. Therefore, I believe President Bush erred on the side of caution. I apologize for using this issue as a wedge issue in the election. I also apologize to the troops for using them as campaign fodder.

Second, I also might have exaggerated a bit about the “bad” economy. The recession that occurred in 2001 was the culmination of 12 months of declining economic indicators. In other words, the decline towards the recession began under President Clinton and culminated in a very short recession, less than 3 months after President Bush took office. So to blame the recession on President Bush was in a word, wrong. I apologize for trying to make this a major campaign issue even when I knew that President Bush had nothing to do with the recession. I also failed to mention during the campaign that the economy is actually performing very well right now. On the same note, I also want to apologize for making you think that the office of the President has control over the economy. In truth, the President has no real control over the economy, nor would we want the office of the President to have such control. It would be unconstitutional in any event. By the way, the Federal deficit is the responsibility of the Congress who appropriates and spends the government’s money. If you don’t like the deficit, take it up with your Congressman or Senator, not the President.

Third, I apologize for leading many of you to think that President Bush is somehow a stupid person. I don’t exactly know which of my campaign managers decided that this was a worthwhile attack on President Bush, but I willing followed along hoping it would get me some votes. As the old saying goes, we all know what I am, we are just negotiating the price.

Forth, I want to apologize for associating with the socialist, communist, anarchist and environmental terrorists that came together under the banner of Moveon.org, Democratic Underground and Act-UP. These nut-jobs do not speak for the majority of Americans and in fact represent movements that have killed millions if not billions of people. I would also like to personally denounce the neo-liberal Michael Moore who has profited enormously by making stuff up out of thin air to sell to anyone with a hatred for President Bush. In other words, Michael Moore played you as suckers and laughed all the way to the bank.

Fifth, I apologize to the Democratic Party for even dreaming that I could win the Presidency by promising to raise taxes, even if I did try to nuance it by saying I would only raise taxes on the wealthy. What I failed to say is that “rich people” will probably find a way to pass higher costs like income taxes on to consumers, in much the same way that corporations pass on income taxes to consumers. Just keep that in mind when liberals like me say that rich people or corporations are not paying enough taxes.

Sixth, I would like to apologize for joining the likes of Jane Fonda on my return from my shortened tour of duty in Vietnam. It made me feel like someone special to be at the lead of the anti-war movement. I realize now that I supported a “peaceful” nation like North Vietnam which ultimately imprisoned re-educated or slaughtered millions of people. I just hope President Bush will give me a pardon when I am convicted of treason for meeting with the North Vietnamese delegation in Paris when I was a junior officer in the navy. I also accept the condemnation that comes from the POWs who were subjected to further abuse because of my words.

Finally, I apologize to the churches I used during the campaign. We kept talking about separation of church and state, but if I recall, I was the only one who actually went to churches and spoke from the pulpit about my re-election. Funny how that worked out. I also want to apologize to all the Christians that my organization or backers insulted by insinuating that Christians don’t know how to think or make a decision on their own. That was the height of religious bigotry, and I am truly sorry.

I realize that forgiveness and healing must begin with the perpetrator asking for forgiveness, so I now ask for forgiveness from President Bush, veterans, conservative Christians, and anyone else that I offended, lied about or abused during the campaign.

Let the healing begin. God Bless America.